Settle down, children. I have some difficult news.
This is going to make you all very sad.
The school board is considering firing me as your teacher.
There's a possibility that I'll be let go and never allowed to teach you again.
Yes, Stanley?
- That's okay with us. - Yeah.
- We don't care.
It isn't. It makes you very sad! Apparently, the school board thinks...
...I don't teach you about current events.
So tomorrow they're gonna have you do presentations for the whole board.
Current events in South Park.
I want you all to read a newspaper, or better yet, watch television...
...and come up with something current in South Park to do a report on.
This will be a group project, so I'm going to place you into groups of five.
Wendy, Bebe, Clyde, Pip, and Token, you'll be Group 1.
And Group 2 will be Stan, Kyle, Eric, Kenny, and...
...and Tweek.
- Oh, not Tweek. - We don't want to be with Tweek.
There's nothing wrong with Tweek. He'll do a great job in your group.
I can't take the pressure. No, Jesus, please.
- We can't work with this kid. - That's what Chad Everett thought...
...when the new female intern joined Medical Center.
He thought, "W ho's she with her gazungas and heels?
"W hat does she know about medicine?"
That intern saved Chad Everett's brother with a kidney transplant. So you see?
No.
Let me put it another way. You have to give your report...
...to the entire town committee tomorrow.
And if it doesn't kick ass and I look bad...
...Mr. Hat will smack you bitches up.
- Hello there, customer. - Hello! How are you today?
Great. What can I get for you? Large coffee? Small coffee?
I'm interested in something else.
I'm John Postum from the Harbucks Coffee Corporation.
You're that corporate guy who's been calling.
That's right! How come you don't call me back?
All we want to do is buy out your coffee shop here.
Forget it. My store is not for sale.
My company is prepared to make you a very generous offer.
This is a Cramsonite briefcase.
All leather with four compartments and a keyless lock. Interested?
I don't think so. My coffee shop is worth a lot to me.
All right. How about $500,000?
The answer is still no.
When my father opened this store 30 years ago...
...he cared about only one thing: Making a great cup of coffee.
We may take longer to brew a cup, and we may not call it fancy names...
...but I guess we care a little more.
That's why Tweek coffee is still home-brewed...
...from the finest beans we can muster. Yes, Tweek coffee is a simpler coffee...
...for a simpler America.
Well, that's too bad.
We're just gonna have to open our Harbucks right next door to you.
But that could put me out of business.
Hey, this is a capitalist country, pal. Get used to it.
Hello, Mr. Tweek.
Hi, Officer Barbrady.
- Who was that? - Just some dong.
- What can I get for you? - The usual.
- Thanks. See you tomorrow. - Bye-bye.
Okay, we have to do this stupid report, so-
So let's figure out what to do it about.
How about we do it on that Raymond guy on TV?
Everybody Loves Raymond.
Cartman, we can't do it on him again.
It has to be on a current event.
- Tweek, do you have any ideas? - Too much pressure!
- Great. A lot of help you are. - The gnomes!
- What? - We can do our report on the gnomes.
- What gnomes? - The underpants gnomes.
The little guys that come into the room late at night and steal your underpants.
So that's where all my underpants go.
That's the dumbest thing ever.
I've never seen any underpants gnomes.
They come out at 3:30 a.m. Most people aren't up then, but I am.
I can't sleep. Ever.
We can't do a report on underpants gnomes.
We'll fail because you're making it up.
Sleep at my house tonight. I'll prove it.
They want me to sell the store, and it's so much money.
Some things are more important than money.
The people of South Park count on you...
...to give them that first cup of coffee every day.
I know, but if they open a Harbucks next door, we might go out of business.
They really have my balls in a vise grip.
Hello, son. How was your day?
- That's good. Who are your little friends? - What do you mean?
- We're his oral report buddies. - We have to stay up to write it.
Have some coffee, boys. I'll brew up another pot for later.
- Coffee? I don't think I like coffee. - You'll like this coffee. It's fresh.
Country fresh. Like the morning after a rainstorm.
Maybe it'll help us decide what to do our report on.
- We have to present it tomorrow. - Oh. I've got one for you.
How about one on how large corporations take over little family-owned businesses?
- Richard. - No, I'm serious, hon.
They should learn how the corporate machine is ruining America.
See, I own a coffee shop...
...and now a multi-million dollar company is going to try to take all my business.
Which means I may have to shut down and sell my son Tweek into slavery.
- Slavery? - Yes, slavery.
- That sucks, dude. - They have my balls in a salad shooter.
We're doing a paper on Tweek's underpants gnomes.
Tweek, how many times do we have to tell you?
They're missing because you lose them...
...not because of underpants gnomes.
Come on, guys. We better get to work.
Okay, but corporate takeovers is a much more fertile subject.
Honestly, I don't see why you have to preach to some 8-year-olds.
Actually, I think those little tykes are just what we need. I've got an idea.
- Man, this stuff is strong. - It's kind of bitter.
What if my parents go out of business? What'll I do?
- Don't worry. - But we'll starve and die like dogs.
Tweek, you can always go on welfare. Look at Kenny's family.
They're happy being poor and on welfare. Right, Kenny?
You suck, Kenny.
Let's try to finish all this coffee so we can stay up.
Yes, this stuff rocks!
Totally, dude. I feel awesome.
Tweek, do you have any more of this stuff?
- We just have grounds. - Killer!
Hey, let me have some grounds.
Gross, Cartman!
- Oh, my stomach hurts. - Yeah, mine, too. I wonder why.
It's 3:30, and I don't see any damn underpants gnomes, Tweek.
Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I'm going insane!
- Oh, no! I'm going insane! - This is just great.
We've done nothing, and we're totally screwed.
- How's the report going, boys? - Bad.
- Do you need some more coffee? - No more coffee.
Boys, I don't mean to pry but...
...if you want it, I wrote your report for you.
- You did? - Yes. It's all about corporate takeovers.
- Of course, you don't have to use it. - No, we'll use it!
All right. It can be our little secret about who wrote it.
Sure.
Now, when you give the report, just make sure that you read this part first.
There they are!
And for the second part, really play it up.
Really play the sympathy angle. They'll like that.
"We won't stop until we have underpants
"Time to go to work"
Guys, look! You're missing it.
"We won't stop until we have underpants"
They took them again!
- Thanks, dude. - My pleasure. Good night, boys.
Tweek, your dad rocks.
Why do they torture me? Why can't they leave me alone?
- What's wrong with you? - They took my underpants again.
Soon they'll want my blood!
"And as the voluminous corporate automaton...
"... bulldozes its way through bantam America...
"... what will become of the endeavoring American family?"
I don't think they wrote this, Mr. Hat.
"Perhaps there is no stopping the corporate machine."
And that's our report, I guess.
Well, boys, it's obvious that you didn't even-
- Great job. - Yes, great job.
Boys, you have really opened our eyes. We didn't even know this was happening.
Neither did we.
Mr. Garrison, it looks like we were wrong about you.
You really are teaching these kids something.
Yeah, I don't want to sound like a dickhole, but I told you so.
I am really moved. I say we follow these boys' cause.
Let's join them in the fight against corporate takeovers.
Lead the way, boys!
Too much pressure!
Good! Good!
Now make sure that sign is really bright and flashy, now.
My goodness! That's going to be a huge coffeehouse, honey.
Yes, it is. They really have my balls in a juice maker.
Oh, hello, Son. How did your report go?
I think it went good. Those people really got into it.
Really? Well, Son, you might have just saved the family business.
- What do you have to say about that? - I need coffee!
I know how you feel.
Sometimes a cup of French Roast Amaretto is what just what a man needs.
That smooth aroma and mild taste is what makes Tweek coffee so very special.
Special, like an Arizona sunrise or a juniper wet with dew...
...a light rain on a dusty afternoon, or a hug from dear old aunt-
- Dad! - What?
- The metaphors, man! - Oh, sorry. Here you go.
Do you ever think you shouldn't give your son coffee?
- How do you mean? - Look at him.
He's always shaking and nervous.
Oh, that.
He has ADD, attention deficit disorder. That's why he's so jittery all the time.
- Mr. Tweek, we've only just heard. - Oh, hello, committee members.
What a surprise!
So this is the corporate bulldozer trying to push you off the map.
Yes. How did you hear?
These boys did an excellent report for us this morning.
- They're so upset by this whole thing. - My butt hurts.
Don't worry, Mr. Tweek.
This committee is not going to let you be run out of business by these bastards.
You hear that? You're not going to get away with this, you whore!
Excuse me?
Boys, we talked it over, and we want you to take your case to the mayor.
- Our case? - No way. That is way too much pressure.
You'll do fine, Son.
- Come on, boys! Let's go. - Man, this sucks.
And we would've never known that this was happening...
...if not for these boys' excellent report.
Students from Mr. Garrison's class...
...did something that had some kind of relevance to the world?
That's right.
- Mr. Garrison, the guy with the puppet? - Yes.
Well, Garrison, perhaps you're not as stupid and crazy as I tell people you are.
Thank you, Mayor. I don't want to sound like a dickhole, but-
Mayor, these boys want that Harbucks Coffee shut down right now.
- Yeah! - Yeah.
I can't shut them down. This is a free country.
But they're ruining our city!
The best I can do is create a proposition. We'll call it Prop 10.
The town can vote on it. If it passes, we'll see what we can do.
Hooray!
What do you say, boys? We're gonna pass a law.
Hooray.
I guess you want to do some campaigning.
You can do commercials and then we'll have a vote...
...and obviously, if more than 50 percent of people even show up...
...and care enough to want Harbucks out, then they're out. So good luck to you!
Didn't you see them?
- All right, what's next? - Next is issue 37D: Missing underpants.
Is it cold in here?
Boys, can I have a quick this 'n ' that with you?
I don't know who wrote that, but everybody believes you...
...so you better stick with it.
Because if they find out you didn't write that paper...
...and I actually do get fired, then Mr. Hat will do horrible things to you.
Oh, not that, Mr. Hat. That's really horrible!
Anyway, good luck passing your new law, boys.
Jesus, man! What are we gonna do?
Live, it's the South Park Town Hall Meeting on Public Access.
The next topic: Prop 10.
Should Harbucks be allowed to open a store in South Park?
That's tonight's topic.
On my left, five innocent starry-eyed boys from Middle America.
On my right, a big fat, smelly corporate guy from New York.
- Hey, I'm not fat or smelly! - All right, Mr. Douchebag.
- Postum. - Pardon me, Mr. Ass-face.
Anyway, let's hear your side of the argument.
My argument is simple. This country is founded on free enterprise.
Harbucks is an organization that...
An organization that prides itself on great coffee.
We simply want... Oh, the hell with you!
Okay, Ucka-Fay.
Now for the other side of the argument, we turn to our young, handsome lads.
Boys, your thoughts.
Come on, boys, don't be shy. What's your principal argument?
This guy sucks eggs!
Great argument. You win, boys.
- What? - That was close, Mr. Hat.
What is the future of America? Is it the money we make?
The quests we conquer? No.
It's children.
So what do children have to say about Prop 10?
- I don't like big corporations. - I like small businesses.
I believe in the family-owned enterprise.
It's time to stop large corporations.
Prop 10 is about children.
Vote yes on prop 10, or else you hate children.
You don't hate children...
...do you?
Remember, keep American business small...
...or else.
Paid for by Citizens for a Fair and Equal Way...
...To Get Harbucks Coffee Kicked Out of Town Forever.
- Well, what do you think? - It's great!
Yes, it is. We'll put it on the air immediately.
What do you think, hon?
- Hon? What's the matter? - I have a big problem with this.
- What do you mean? - We're using those boys for our benefit.
They have no idea what they're saying.
But kids are great to get people on our side.
You don't just throw a child in a political commercial...
...to sell your beliefs. I won't be a part of this anymore.
Honey, all's fair in love and war. And coffee.
Hon?
Take your corporate coffee and go back to New York City!
Yeah!
It's people like you who are ruining Main Street, USA.
How many Native Americans did you slaughter to make that coffee?
Yeah!
Damn. These people aren't buying any coffee.
I'll have to try to appeal to the younger crowd.
Hey, kids. I'm Camel Joe, and I love a fresh cup of coffee.
It's yum-diddly-icious. And it makes you feel super.
I have a surprise for you. The new Kiddiccino from Harbucks.
More sugar than all the other goodies kids like...
...with all the caffeine of a normal double latte.
No, Billy. No coffee for you.
You should be ashamed of yourself...
...using cartoons to push caffeine on children.
Why don't you go back to the hole you crawled out from, lady?
Mr. Postum, I'm afraid you've got a lot to learn about making coffee.
And you don't?
Your coffee tastes like 3-day-old moldy diarrhea.
I'm sorry to inform you that this town is voting tomorrow...
...and if the law passes, you'll be thrown out of town.
- What? - At 5:00, the best coffee wins.
It's either your coffee, or a fresh, warm cup of Tweek's coffee.
Like an old sweater, it gets warmer with age.
You can count on Tweek's coffee to start your day.
Tomorrow for the Prop 10 vote, we'll set up ballot booths here.
Then we'll draw up the stage here.
Before the vote, we'll get a band everyone likes.
Like, like...
- Toto. - Like Toto.
The Harbucks guy will have five minutes to speak...
...then the boys, and then the town votes.
- Boys, you better get your asses to work. - What now?
They're expecting a big speech on corporate takeovers...
...and it has to last five minutes.
- Oh, God. When will this end? - Your dad really screwed us, Tweek.
Jesus, dude, I'm to blame for this. I'm to blame for everything.
What're we gonna say?
Why can't we read the paper we wrote last time?
They'll know we didn't write it. We must be original.
Does anybody know anything about corporations?
- I think my mom is a corporation. - That makes sense.
You guys!
Let's say, "Corporates should be stopped."
How do we stretch it into five minutes?
- They're taking my underpants! - Stop with the underpants gnomes.
We have to work here.
- What the hell? - Well, I'll be damned.
That's my last pair of underpants.
"Work all night, search for underpants"
- Don't scare him. - Hey there, little guy.
Bad.
- Cartman! - What?
Why do you hit stuff with a stick?
Look at him. He's all, you know. Look at him.
- Is that all you got, pussy? - What?
- Hey, he talks. - Yeah, he called me a pussy.
I'm not a pussy, you are.
You're a pussy, pussy.
Why are you taking his underpants?
Yeah, look what you're doing to this poor kid.
Stealing underpants, big business.
Do you know anything about business?
Sure. That's what gnomes do.
- Show us. - Okay, follow me.
Pussy gnome. Don't call me a pussy.
Not much longer now.
- You're taking us to the pussy house? - No, I'm taking you to my village.
- Your pussy village? - Will you just shut up and let him show us?
Follow me.
I hope we're not wasting our time with this pecker.
Well, it looks like Harbucks will never make it in this town.
All right, boys, that's it. Pack it up. We're moving out of town.
But we just finished.
I know, but these folks obviously don't want us here.
- But what will become of us? - Quit being so melodramatic, Sanchez.
Jesus Christ!
Damn, dude, this place is huge.
- Yeah. It's almost as big as Cartman's ass. - No, it isn't, you guys.
This is where all our work is done.
What will you do with all underpants that you steal?
Collecting underpants is just phase one. Phase one: Collect underpants.
So what's phase two?
- Hey! What's phase two? - Phase one: We collect underpants.
Yeah, but what about phase two?
- Well, phase three is profit. Get it? - I don't get it.
Phase one: Collect underpants. Phase two...
Phase three: Profit.
- Oh, I get it. - No, you don't, fat ass.
Do you know anything about corporations?
- You bet we do. - Us gnomes are geniuses at corporations.
"Time to go to work, work all night"
Jesus Christ, look out!
Oh, my God, they killed Kenny!
You bastards. We have to give a speech about corporate takeovers.
Holy...! We killed your friend!
We must know about corporate takeovers tomorrow or we're screwed.
Christ! We squished him like a bug!
Do you know anything about corporate takeovers?
- We can explain that to you easily. - Yes, for a price.
- You know. - Underpants?
Underpants!
Toto, ladies and gentlemen!
Yeah, Toto!
All right. And now, before we all vote " yes" on Prop 10...
...here to remind us why, are the lovable, innocent children.
Since we are so concerned with the corporate takeovers...
...we asked our friends the underpants gnomes...
...and they told us about big corporations.
Underpants gnomes?
Big corporations are good.
What is this? Good?
Because without big corporations...
...we wouldn't have cars, and computers, and canned soup.
Even Harbucks Coffee started off as a small business...
...but because it made great coffee...
...and ran its business so well, it grew and grew...
...till it became a corporate powerhouse.
That is why we should all let Harbucks stay.
That's not what you said last time.
Well, the truth is we didn't write that paper last time.
You little turds! You ruined my life for the last time!
These boys are absolutely right.
We've been using these kids to pull at your heartstrings...
...for our cause, and it's wrong. We're as low and despicable as Rob Reiner.
You keep protesting and complaining, but did any of you ever even bother...
...to taste Harbucks coffee?
Harbucks Coffee got to where it is by being the best.
Don't you think you should at least try it?
Hey! This is pretty damn good.
Yeah, it doesn't have that bland, raw, sewage taste that Tweek's coffee has.
- Hey, that is good. - It's a French Roast.
It's subtle and mild.
Mild like that first splash of sun on an April morning.
This is coffee the way it should be.
Hey! No hard feelings, Tweek.
You know, we still need someone to run this Harbucks coffeehouse.
I'm sure it will make a lot of money.
Thank you, Mr. Postum, but I think we'll be fine...
...with the money we make selling our son into slavery.
Just kidding, Son.
I love you guys.